1. Arrive with freshly washed, still damp hair. This signals to everyone that you didn't have the chance to shower earlier in the day, but made it a priority for your special outing to the hospital. Go ahead and wear your ratty brown sweater, though. The clean hair cancels part of the housemarm effect.
2. Have toddler in tow. Bonus points for said toddler clearly wearing the blanket sleeper he slept in the night before.
3. Casually sling one slightly-snotty, well-loved blankie over your shoulder, and allow said toddler to nuzzle into it often. Explain to anyone who will listen that the child is just too sick right now to have his lovey ripped from his arms long enough to wash it.
4. Give anyone who asks for the specifics of this child's illness a blank stare for the two minutes it takes your brain to recall which sick kid you're being asked about.
5. Admit that yes, there are other H1N1 victims at home. Tell doctor that you feel blessed to still have two children who haven't fallen ill.
6. Ask doctor what the odds are of you and your husband not coming down with the flu.
8. Wait for stunned silence to fade. Enjoy ensuing laughter.