Sunday, February 19, 2006
Well, I made quite a fool out of myself Saturday evening. My husband says I pulled it off pretty well, but I still say I made a fool out of myself. At a friend's house, I ended up in a perfectly normal conversation about nursing. The conversation actually centered on the less-desirable aspects of breastfeeding--namely, biting. One second I was explaining that I'd never really experienced anything beyond the accidental bite from my three ... The next minute, I felt a huge wave of sorrow. Before I knew it, my lip was quivering, and I was just unable to talk. I managed to fight it down, but I knew that I couldn't hold back the flood forever. I HAD to get out of there and have the breakdown that was coming! I manged to find my DH and tell him I had to leave. This was news to him, since we were supposed to stay late and play games while the kids bedded down in sleeping bags in an extra room. This was news to our hostess, too ... who I couldn't even explain my sudden change of plans to without the fear of falling to pieces. I went home and cried in my bathroom while DH put the kids to bed. I had to be alone ... couldn't even flush all the emotions with my precious husband. It had to be just me. I cleaned up the mess of my breakdown--talking to DH, calling my friend the next mornings, etc. And honestly, I feel better. I was even approached by three people at church on Sunday with much-belated congrats on our pregnancy and shared the news of the loss without too much heartbreak. I guess this is something that will just continue to pass over me in waves.