Rollercoaster

I'm riding a rollercoaster. I don't want to be on it. In fact, I promised myself I wouldn't even get on it. And yet here I am ... buckled in, bracing for the break-neck speed and the stomach-churning drop.

I'm talking about trying to conceive. Honestly, I'm not good at trying. And really, I don't want to be trying. I want to be "Let Go And Let God" ... but it isn't working.

My first child was actually conceived while I was on the pill. When she turned 2, it felt like it was time for another, so we stopped using bc. Boom! Pregnant. Number three was conceived while trying to avoid pregnancy. So really ... I haven't ever tried. Babies have always just come ... with or without my consent.

Well, now the Lord has gotten my full consent. I'm not resigned to more children---I long for them. But I want them to be His gifts, in His time. I want to wait patiently on Him. I want to be an open vessel. I want to be the good, godly woman. I want to be the obedient servant.

But I just can't manage it.

Ever since losing Gloria, I have found myself plotting, counting, calculating and figuring. If we try on *this* day ... Maybe *today* ... Is this????

Ugh. It's a terrible feeling, and I don't want it. Stop the ride ... I wanna get off!

But I just can't. I'm in the thick of it again right now. I can't remove the biological information from my brain. I knew the dates, we ...uh .... tried to conceive. And now I am stuck waiting, and wondering. Second guessing every twinge, every bubble, every possible symptom.

Again.

I did this last month. And the month before. I'm starting to get good at the anxiety. Hey, I don't even need the on-line calculators anymore!

If anyone's been here and managed to jump from the moving train, let me know. It just doesn't feel like waiting on God. It feels more like whining at Him. And I just don't want to be here.