Pages

Friday, September 25, 2009

Here in Topeka ....

Mamaw called during one of those moments today.

You know those moments--the ones where the toddler has decided that he simply
cannot live without a fresh sippy of water, the baby has realized there are bananas on the counter and by golly, he's howling mad-hungry! and the older kids seem to have forgotten Family Rule Number 431, which clearly states that no lightsaber duels shall take place on the grounds between the hours of 9 a.m. and 2 p.m.

In other words, it was utter chaos.

Utter, absolute, no-way-around it
chaos.

I answered the phone the second that I saw who was calling, and she was greeted to a cacophony of noise the likes of which are rarely heard outside of rock concerts.

I greeted her, then took twenty seconds or so to set everything to rights. Oli got his cup. Manolin was served a banana. And the older three were sent off, properly scolded, to redeem themselves with a handful of extra chores designed to keep their hands busy and their mouths shut. Then--silence. Blessed silence.

"You busy, Baby? You got time to talk to me?" she asked. "Because I just heard some awful things people were sayin' about Kirk Cameron and Hitler."

What, pray tell, makes you think I'm too busy for that?

It had been a true "you've got your hands full" moment. They don't happen all that often. It's pretty rare, actually. Maybe it's because I don't have five kids neatly spaced at the every-twenty-months rate. Maybe it's because I just have a really low threshold for noise in general, so it's simply not allowed. Maybe it's because Jo is more help than hindrance at this point. Whatever the reason, it's an odd day that finds me screaming, in Grinch fashion,
"One thing I can't take! All the noise, noise, noise, NOISE!"

My Mamaw, though, noted the moment. She truly can't conceive of a house with a half dozen or so kids in it because, well ... she only had three. So the way she figures it, my life must be hers 50 years ago,
doubled.

As I tried to calm her concerns ("Honey, you need to take good care of yourself. Put some movies on for those babies. Ain't nobody hurt by them watchin' cartoons for an hour."), something most unexpected happened:
my children were systematically abducted by aliens, who sucked out their brains and implanted naughty, unacceptable behaviors into their minds.

It started with Atticus, who is honestly most prone to oblivion and therefore most likely to miss the fact that
mommy is on the phone.

"Momma! Mom! Look! I found it!"

"Atticus! I am on the phone. Go to your room for interrupting."

Kid one sulked away.

Two seconds later:

"Mom! You said to use the lemon oil, and all I can find is--"

This would be Logan, who got the same treatment.

Three minutes into a pleasant conversation:

"Mom! You moved my book! Where's my booooook?"

Jo was yelling from the top of the stairs. I asked my grandmother to kindly hold for a second while I shot nasty glares at my daughter and used the hand signal that means
"I am so mad that you did that, I can't even put it into words. Sit on your bed until I can talk to you."

Naturally, the two little ones were putting on a show. Oliver was tackling Manolin, who retaliated with his brand new trick of biting his big brother on the arm. He was quite proud of himself, right up until the moment when I swooped him up and deposited him in his crib for a cool-down. Oli was howling, writhing on the floor, and generally letting us know--with some indignance--that this behavior simply could not stand. I tried to silence him with a hug, a cuddle, even a pumpkin muffin.

No go.

Then, the pièce de résistance: the other line beeped.

Mamaw burst into laughter.

"You're probably cookin', too, right?" she asked.

I eyed the stove, guiltily, where I had been starting the prep for our lunch of mini-pizzas on English muffins just before the phone rang. I sighed heavily.

Mamaw started humming a song I vaguely remembered as she laughed.

"Here in Topeka, the screen door's a' bangin'," she giggled.

"What?"

"An old, old Loretta Lynn song. You look that up on your computer when you get to sit a spell. I think you'll like it."

We got off the phone. Life settled. Lunch was made and eaten. I headed to my computer for my afternoon work session while the children rested. I googled. And I found this:



Which clearly, clearly was written by someone who understands what it's like to be a mom.

It gave me a laugh today--almost as big of a laugh as I got from hearing my Mamaw grow faintly wistful at the thought of babies clinging to her skirts.


9 comments:

Deanna said...

So here I sit in the middle of a messy house, with a one year old who refused her second nap, a three year old who refuses to stop flinging blocks, 4 more kids around SOMEwhere, watching Loretta Lynn and googling Kirk Cameron!
Now you've got your readers going down your rabbit trails!!
ROFL!!

ThyHandHathProvided said...

There really is something about being on the phone. Someone should do a study on this....

Benny said...

That one's a keeper. Too funny. And too true. ;o)

Benny

anya* said...

I am glad I took the time to watch that video- gave me a good laugh at the end of a lonnngggg week:)

Mama JJ said...

I fully appreciate this, which is another way of saying that I fully understand this---the situation, the song, everything. Except one is NOT on the way, and for that I am most grateful.

Anonymous said...

I. Loved. this. and am forwarding it to my sister and sister-in-laws all of whom "have one on the way" and at least three already there.

-Joy in KTM

Melissa said...

Gotta LOVE Loretta and Grandmas too. I was hoping your title had something to do with the song.

Now I gotta go google Kirk and Hitler.... hmmmmm.... :)

Karla @ Ramblin' Roads said...

But... you didn't tell us what "they" were saying about Kirk Cameron and Hitler!! C'mon! Don't leave us hanging like that!!!

Kindred Blessings said...

Too cute and I remember that song. It always reminds me of visiting relatives in Tennessee.