Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A hard time

I haven't posted in a bit because, frankly, the activities surrounding Baby K's departure from her home sent me in to a tailspin. Amazing, isn't it, how happenings that aren't even at the heart of your own life can set off a chain of events that chip at the foundation of your sense of happiness.

 After Baby K, there was one more thing. Then another. Then another. The final straw, I think, was when my Mamaw told me that she's ready to "go on" now. No, that's not true. The final straw was when my dad asked me if I'd look up safety ratings for nursing homes that would take my Papaw--who has severe, advanced Alzheimers. Or maybe it was when some arsonist here in town decided to light a home on fire in the middle of the night--a home that contained a young family just sleeping. Sleeping, for pete's sake. They got out o.k., but still ...

It's a tough season for me right now. I'm going to be honest and say that somehow I've managed to convince the world that I'm in my happy place when really I am fighting that swimming upstream feeling. I don't know how else to describe it. It's not depression; I know depression, and this isn't it. I have full-on joy in the many happy moments of my days and weeks. When I am depressed, I can't touch sunshine for all of my trying. No. This isn't depression.

It's loneliness, I think. A kind of loneliness I've never really felt before. I'm surrounded by people--people who I love, people who love me. People who make me happy. 

But somehow, these people are all knee-deep in their own stuff right now, and I just feel, well ... a little lost. The thing is, everyone is talking about something, all the time. Their family. Their baby. Their school schedule. Their planning. Their vacation. Their relationship with their mom/dad/uncle/brother/dog. Their thing

No one is asking about me. Geesh, that sounds selfish. And really, I guess it is. 

All these good things wrapping around me, and I feel afloat because I can't get anyone to really talk to me about me. Wow. That's a nasty little confession.

So here I am, Mary Grace in her own little corner of the world, gazing at beautiful baby Seven, giggling with her Nepali daughter via telephone over the insanity of sacred cows who chase schoolkids through the streets, watching summer splash over her preschoolers with all the sunny joy of a hose at full force, watching God slowly build our missions funds, parenting, laughing, living ...

And being lonely. All at the same time.


Kate said...

I'm sad that you feel lonely. You can go on and on about yourself and I'll read every word. (Missed your posts the last few days) Praying that this will pass for you.

Unknown said...

Here's a hug for just you. Just for Mary Grace. Just for the lovely woman I met, but never got to know adequately.


You're not alone: just lonely.


The Beaver Bunch said...

I can totally relate.

I feel like everyday I am swimming against the current, and a huge part of me just wants to stop and let the waters take me where they please.

I think it's that weird transition time between being here and being there. Already emotionally leaving the place you are (if only in small portions) and not really ready to let go of all you know to be true.

Needing to spill it all and scream that YOU DON'T WANT TO GO but you also don't want to stay.

It's a hard place to be. Maybe this is just my spin. But it's how I feel.

EllaJac said...

Ugh, I'm sorry. We're all like that at some point, aren't we? (at least, I hope we are...)... Connected in certain ways, but so 'on our own' in others. I hope this is just part of a process for you, a process that brings blessed growth and new depths to your life and person. 'Might as well get your money's worth,' right? :)

Luke Holzmann said...

Luke Holzmann reporting in. I think I know the feeling. And while I'm convinced it's not even close to exactly the same, what you've written above really resonated with me. So thank you for sharing. May the blessings of God continue to bring you joy, and may He continue to draw you--and me--closer to Himself where we can find satisfaction.


Melody said...

Loneliness is no fun : ( I can relate, as one of my closest friends just moved away, and I am left here trying to regain my footing.

Thank you for sharing. I rarely comment, but thoroughly enjoy your posts!

Michelle said...

Here I am, waiting to listen, checking frequently to see if you've put up a new post. Talk about yourself all day long and Ill be thrilled!

Benny said...

Sigh. Just loving you, wishing I could help, hoping that love and prayers will at least do a little bit of something, and trying hard to listen. You just keep talking. I'll be listening with all my might.


The Hayes Zoo said...

BTDT - Lonely to the point of pain in the middle of crowds of people. My people, other people.

It's painful...dare I say, almost more painful than actually being alone. For me at least.