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Friday, November 2, 2007

Potential

I know that I've kept blog readers a bit in the dark regarding the calls we've had regarding potential adoptive placements. I admit that it's a defensive mechanism; one of the cardinal rules of adoption, according to the wise folks who spoke in our classes, is not sharing too much of your child's story. In the first rush of excitement after a phone call, there's this urge to shout the whole bundle of info from the rooftops. Unfortunately, if that bundle of info ends up being the actual baggage that your child carries with him or her for the rest of their lives, that billboard of past experiences ends up haunting your family forever in the form of relatives and friends who know way more than you wish they did.

Knowing this, dh and I have played our cards close to the vest, only asking for prayer in a handful of cases--the ones we were actually considering--and even then, sharing only careful tidbits.

My fear for those who read this blog is that they will see our wait and think there is just one big black hole of nothingness in the foster/adopt world. That isn't the case. Since our licensing
in July, we've been called about:
  • A 6 month old Caucasian girl we heard about in July. We were submitted for consideration for her, but never heard back on whether she found a home or not as her social worker never returned our social worker's calls.
  • Two AA boys, ages 3.5 and 18 mos. We chose not to be submitted.
  • A Caucasian sibling set--boy age 3, girl age 18 months. We chose not to be submitted.
  • A 6 month old Caucasian girl we heard about at the end of August. We submitted our files, but were not chosen to be her family.
  • Two bi-racial boys ages 3 and 2. We chose not to be submitted.
  • Two Hispanic boys, aged 4 and 2.
  • Two Hispanic girls, ages 5 and 3. We chose not to be submitted.

See, there's been movement. :-)

You'll notice that one of the entries above is listed without a qualifier--the two boys ages 4 and 2. A little bit about that ...

We first heard about these boys from our agency's placement worker, K. She mentioned them in a quirky phone call, saying that they had come across her desk and seemed like a possible fit for us, but she just wasn't sure. With that in mind, she called me up and asked how old our youngest is. I told her that he had turned five in May.

"Oh, this won't work then," she sighed. "The oldest of these boys was born in August of 2003. That would only make them what, 15 months apart? Probably not good."

In the uncomfortable pre-adoptive meeting, where dh and I got to sit with two social workers and bare our souls about what horrible people we are because we don't want to adopt a child with MS or Bi-polar issues or needing a colostomy bag (laugh if you will, but it feels awful to say this stuff out loud, folks), we talked about how our family would transition to include a new addition or two. One of our points of concern was the fact that Logan has been King of the Hill, er-- the baby for the past five+ years.

That translates to a little boy who will surely find his little world rocked when he realizes that he has been usurped in his role as youngest and cutest. :-) We talked about how to cushion this blow and came up with a plan: a child three or under. Someone that Logan will not see as a peer, but rather, as a "baby."

Clearly, these two little boys that our placement worker was telling me about didn't fit that requirement. I mentioned them in passing to dh, but both of us promptly put them out of our minds. (Note to those considering adoption: this is a trick that you learn to perform after three or four potential placement calls.)

Fast forward a few weeks. Placement worker K. calls again:

"I just wanted you to know that there's a social worker that has been hounding me about you guys. She thinks you're perfect for these two boys she's trying to place."

K. said that after seeing our Cultural Plan, the social worker had apparently fallen in love with us. This particular worker was trying to place two boys who happened to be the children of a Mexican mother, and our Cultural Plan listed our preference as being a child of Hispanic descent.

K. said she'd already spoken to me about these boys and let the worker know that we weren't interested, but the social worker wasn't letting it go. She was convinced that these were our boys. I agreed with K. that she was cracked, and we moved on in our conversation. Dh returned from Haiti the next day.

I can't quite explain what changed in the next 24 hours, but I can tell you that dh and I woke up the next morning with those boys on our hearts. I told dh that I was going to call and see if I could get more info, and he agreed that I should. I got K. on the phone that morning, and she shared what she knew. She didn't sound overly shocked that I was calling her back about these particular boys, but hey, she is used to the mercurial MG, after all.

The next step was to put a call in to the boys' worker, which I did. She has been out sick all week, so I haven't heard back from her. So ... holding pattern (again).

My prayer right now is that God would clearly lead the way. If these are our boys, then a 15 month age gap is not going to be any better or worse than a three year age gap. Any concerns that we have about attachment or behavior issues are in His hands. I just want Him to be in control because, clearly, dh and I will foul this up in a bad way if we try to do it on our own. All we can do is pray ... and buckle in for the ride.

Some moments I feel so excited that I have to stop myself from advertising this potential addition to our hearts and home. Other moments I am so wracked with doubt that I want to call K. in a panic and tell her to burn our homestudy immediately. I don't know if this is a normal step or not, but it's where I am.

So there's the adoption update, warts and all. As always, prayers coveted.

2 comments:

~ Angi :) said...

W H E W ! ! !

how well you've done guarding your heart . . .

I read the inquisition concerning the age gaps/differences, but I chose not to chime in b/c I'm not an adoptive momma.

As a birth mom, I LOVE the 18 month spacing between both 'sets' of children the Lord has blessed me with.

I know, I know . . .it will be different, but, somehow, I wanted you to know ~ The LORD is your keeper (see Psalm 121), and HE is the keeper of time and age ranges.

{{praying}}

Joy said...

I agree with Angi -my two are 15 months apart and they are literally the best of friends. It could be possible that Logan will enjoy having a "best friend" to confide in and do things with.

God knows the things that we can't comprehend in the natural and if this woman is persistent - can that be the hand of God? I will be praying that He will direct your paths as you travel this road in your life.