Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The reason for it all

The ten million dollar question--
What's been going on with me?

I debated about how much to share, and decided in the end that God gets absolutely no glory out of my silence, so here goes:

A few days before Oliver arrived home for good, I found out that I was pregnant. Long-time readers know that a) that was a totally random, yet very wished-for blessing and b) that opens the door to a whole lot of roller-coaster emotions due to my history of m/c. Because of that history, I immediately went for a blood draw to have my hcG levels checked and sure enough, they were in the low range. I had my second blood draw (to see if they were doubling) the day Jo had her tonsils out. How convenient, as I just so happened to be at the hospital that day.

The results of those numbers were not good, either. Low range of normal, but still rising. Not doubling, though.

Last Monday, I began spotting. I had an u/s and saw a healthy, but small, sac and no baby, despite the fact that I was supposed to be around 7-8 weeks. That began a rough week where I would spot, then stop, cramp, then stop, spot some more ... and all the while, the numbers seem to still be creeping up. So there was still hope, in other words.

Finally, late Saturday night, I started to miscarry in earnest. I am going to be brutally honest and say that in a strange way it was almost a relief--I was praying fervently for something ... for the bleeding to stop and the baby to be o.k., or for it to all be over. I think I was nearing the end of my rope emotionally, and God answered in His perfect timing.

My husband has gone above and beyond over the course of these past 10 days. My precious Jo--who was never let in on what was going on as a way of sparing her further hurt--has been such a helper, such a blessing that it brings tears to my eyes. I am honored to be her mother. And of course, being able to lay my eyes on the four children the Lord has given me here on earth was immense comfort as I waited for another one to be received by Jesus.

God has been so good to us throughout this whole sad process. I have felt His hand in the tiny details (like a random opening for an u/s, and a meal delivered "just because" by an acquaintance) and the big ones, too. While anyone who has BTDT can attest that miscarrying is never anything short of a painful loss that brings you to your knees, I am awed to say that not only was the Lord there the whole time, but He made sure that I felt His strong arms at every moment.

I may or may not be up to normal blogging as I return to the world of the living. Thank you for your prayers and patience.


Anonymous said...

I'm just a homeschooling Mom that started reading your blog b/c you crack me up. As I've laughed and cried with you these last few months, I've always been silent. But now I just have to let you know I have lifted you up in prayer today as you go through this. -Tami

SmallWorld said...

I pray God's comforting arms around you as you deal with all of this!

Pam said...

Mary Grace - I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I will be keeping you in my prayers. I have been down that road, and the healing can take some time. (((Hugs)))

~ Angi :) said...

We'll be here, ready to read of your latest discoveries and exploits when you are ready.

til then, my friend . . .

Mandi, Sean, Peyton, Dylan and Parker said...

Oh, MaryGrace....I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Your honesty and strength is inspiring, but I know that doesn't lessen the pain. :hugs:

Karla said...

Praying for you, H! So glad you can take comfort in knowing He cares and will be with you through it all.