Friday, June 5, 2009

Adoption updates ... finally

I finally have something to say in the realm of adoption.

Praise God, nearly 16 months after placement, I received news yesterday that a preliminary termination hearing is being held at the end of July for Oliver. Birthmom is fighting to the bitter end; her last visit with Oliver was the first week of January, but she still remains firm in her conviction that she has every intention of raising him on a daily basis. There's more I could say on this matter, but I won't. I will simply sigh deeply and watch as the facts of poor Oli's life are paraded in court. I will listen in sadness as the psychiatrist outlines why Birthmom received a failing grade on her parenting and psychological exams. I will hear a litany of pleadings and petitions. And then, at the end of the day, I will turn my eyes to the Lord and wait for a judge to make a decision.

Oliver's birthfather is relinquishing custody, and our open adoption agreement is in the works. I have both sympathy and frustration for Birthdad. He is a wreck of a man, damaged by horrific abuse in his own childhood and poor choices in adulthood. When he says he never wanted to be a father, that he freely abdicates that right to someone more capable than himself, I am grateful. When he holds Oli's hand in his and says, "Bye, buddy," at the end of a visit, my heart is softened. And when he fails to show up for yet another visit, I am angry. Ours will be a complicated, tangled relationship for life. When the signatures are placed on the agreement, we will bound forever to one another through our love of one small person and that brings me a peace both terrible and beautiful and the same time.

Manolin's case continues to be as cut and dry as one finds in the world of foster-adoption. His birthmother is still under a ten year no contact order that precludes any relationship she might desire with the little man she carried and then sought to destroy. Termination paperwork has been filed and will most likely never go to court; how does one, after all, convincingly attest in a court that she can successfully parent a child she is forbidden by law to even request a photograph of? Evaluations and counseling reports aside, Birthmom is not going to regain custody of Manolin. I hope she relinquishes rights. It will be faster and less painful for all of us.

And this, dear readers, is where one finds joy in the world of foster-adoption: at the end of one relationship, there blossoms a series of others. Our family sits quietly, awaiting hearings and judgments that will make us whole. In our hearts, of course, the truth is already there. Maybe by winter the truth will have bloomed for all to see.


The Beaver Bunch said...

I understand. Really. We have 2 foster/almost adopted babies. The relationships with birthparents are bitter sweet.

Sometimes though, I wonder, if I were in there shoes, would I want to just relinquish b/c I know it would be the same result with less time? Or, would I too drag it out so I could at least say "I didn't give you up, they took you from me?"

Most days, I don't know.

Beth said...

It is a strange comfort to read this and know someone out there is walking such a similar road.

Birth Parents for our Little Man have seen him 2 times in the past 4 months... Little Man screamed throughout both hours. And yet at the last visit they told me they plan on him being circumcised in July (ummm about a year too late), and that they should have him "back" (they never had him to begin with) by mid-July. I just nodded my head, as I am certainly not going to be the one to burst their delusional bubble. The TPR hearing is set for June 18th for cryin' out loud... how do they not understand this?

So very frustrating.

Once we adopt our Little Man we will be naming him "Daniel" because it means "God is my judge." We wanted to be reminded each time we face a different judge that God is the ultimate judge, and He is sovereign in all decisions regarding our sweet boy.

Glad to see the wheels are starting to turn faster on your end. Sorry for such a lengthy comment :-)


Deborah said...

It IS good to know others are on the same path. We were to hear the judges decision last week, but still we wait, and wait. The mom called the other day..she too is stressed by the wait, but says she can't be one of those mothers who just give up. **sigh**
To Beth...we named our youngest son Daniel!

Kate said...

We are dealing with a very uncertain outcome on our 3 boys. I find it so hard.

Anonymous said...

I agree with The Beaver Bunch. I think both parents, at least the mom, would sign over as long as it didn't make her look bad. Like cancelling your visit on your daughter's birthday to get your hair colored doesn't.

In my situation we are dealing with 7 kiddos. The dad is still in jail until mid-July and mom makes no effort and admitted just last week that she's still smoking pot and drinks too much. When dad gets out it he follows everything to a T it would still be 4-5 months. Permanency hearing is in September.

I also found your situation interesting in that they are allowing dad to voluntarily sign but not mom. We were told that even though the parents are not married, they will not "let" one sign off and not the other.

Overwhelmed! said...

We're in waiting mode with our precious girl, too.

By the time the judge finally granted severance/adoption at the Termination Trial back in March of this year, Boo had been in the system 20 1/2 months (and with us for 13 months).

Boo's mom is fighting it to the bitter end too. She appealed that ruling with 24 hours of hearing the news.

So, we wait for the court of appeals to get around to reviewing Boo's case and making a final, final ruling. We're told it can take up to 12's already been 3.

We're praying that we'll be allowed to finalize Boo's adoption before the end of this year but it's all so uncertain. That's the hardest part.

But, in our heart of hearts we believe that she will be our daughter, in a matter of time. She's worth the wait!

Best of luck to you!

obladi oblada said...

Glad to hear things with Oli's case are moving and hoping things with M's case move quickly too. Im routing for you.

~ Angi :) said...

{tears . . .}