Sunday, August 30, 2009
Laying 'em down
I have not been having perfect Mommy Moments this week.
I have been having very real, very rough Mommy Moments. The kind that make you feel like a bad mom when, in truth, you're just a very tired mom bordering on burn-out.
I hate those moments.
I hate the fact that listening to Logan's excited chatter has allowed my mind to wander over the laundry I need to do or the lunches that need packing.
I hate the fact that Oliver's lack of communication has felt like an insurmountable hurdle I will never, ever cross.
I hate the fact that seeing Jo worn-out from a week's worth of Fair fun has left me exasperated.
I hate the fact that I see Atticus disappear into his own little world and feel like I am failing him miserably.
I hate the fact that Manolin's squeal of joy as he lunges for my glasses--again--makes me cringe.
Mommy Moments. Some are beautiful, powerful, amazing things that remind us of our blessings. And some are ... well, some are the bits that we hope we forget as our children pass into adulthood.
I realized this morning what the source of my weariness was. It's not my kids. It's not the 4-H chaos of Fair week. It's not a toddler. It's not a special needs son. It's not social workers, or restless nights.
It's where my eyes have been. Namely--on everything I have to do, and how little time I have to do it. And where have they not been? Why, on JEHOVAH-SHAMMAH, JEHOVAH-RAPHA, JEHOVAH-JIREH, JEHOVAH-SHALOM, EL-ROI.
When will I learn this lesson? And, Lord, how is it possible that you continue to have patience with a wretch like me?