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Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Churn


I knew that it would happen someday. I simply wasn't expecting it so soon.

An envelope--nondescript, labeled only with my name and address and the return address of our state's child welfare folks--was scrunched into a corner of my mailbox. I almost didn't open it right away; as it turns out, DCFS sends out more spam than classmates.com ... only this kind comes in paper form. I have become so accustomed to receiving mail from them that it barely registers on my radar. Since it was a slow mail day, I tore into the envelope and peered inside.

A sheaf of papers, clasped together by a single, straining paperclip stared back at me.

CONFIDENTIAL HEALTH INFORMATION

What is this? I mused, pulling the papers free.

They were exactly what they claimed to be. Oliver's health background: starting at birth, and continuing well past his placement here with us.

There was a rushing in my ears and a slightly acrid taste in my mouth.
Put them back! my heart screamed. This was a surprise I wasn't prepared for. In truth, I see now that I really didn't want to know the particulars of what and when and how. Better to dream about the boogeyman under the bed than to grab the flashlight with sweaty palms and lean down, down, down to where he just might be.

I read the papers, heart in my throat and and a hot flush on my chest that made me open the window on a 55 degree day. It was what I had known. What I had feared. What I never wanted to see in irrefutable black and white.

This is the kind of hurt that makes your husband slam kitchen cabinets so hard that the glasses rattle. The kind of hurt that makes you vomit just from the sheer horror that your body must ---somehow--physically reject. The kind of hurt that makes you compose long, drawn out diatribes to judges in your mind. The kind of hurt that makes you hold a once-broken little body and never, ever want to let go.

I've been to see a doctor now, and the mysteries of the records have been unfurled before me like so many bad dreams played out in made-for-tv movies. Medical alphabet soup, I have discovered hides some very ugly truths. And perhaps that's how it ought to be; what kind of a person could stand the heartache of writing about the horrific specifics of abuse in real words?

I thought that nothing could make Oliver more precious to me. I thought that nothing could make him seem like more of a gift.

I was wrong.

13 comments:

Liz said...

wow. lucky boy to be saved from hell. praise the Lord!

Paula said...

Oh MG!!! *I'M* feeling sick to my stomach, I can only imagine how YOU'RE feeling. (((Hugs))) for both you and little Oliver!

Amblin said...

There is truly evil in this world. I praise God that there is goodness as well. Oh dear Lord, thank you for saving this little boy and for placing him in a loving home. My heart hurts and I've never met you or Oliver. But my heart hurts for him, just the same.(((hugs))) on what must be a painful day for your family.

JustTheFactsMa'am said...

Gracious! I'm so sorry, but it's also good that the questions are finally truly answered. If one can say "good" about any of this, eh?

Blessings...

Mom Of E's said...

I can't think of any words to express the sadness that I feel for what Oliver went through. I'm sorry you had to learn of the pain Oliver has already faced in his young life. Thank you, Lord, for working through MG and her family to try and right that wrong.

Anne

Mama JJ said...

I am so sorry for your pain. The hurts are deep. May God give you strength.

Hugs,
JJ

Benny said...

I'm so sorry Mary Grace. I still cannot wrap my mind around that. I still cannot see how someone can even begin to hurt the little ones blessed into their care and protection. I am daily so thankful that God brought Oliver to you guys. You're right that he seems that much more of a blessing now.

Benny

Missus Wookie said...

:hugs: So glad that Oliver has been rescued from that and is now loved. So thankful you are helping him to start to heal.

Luke said...

...

God's grace is sufficient, but it doesn't feel like enough to merely say so. May God wrap you in His arms today and bring comfort and joy.

~Luke

Tree Climbing Mom said...

I'm so glad Oliver is now safe in a home that knows he's a treasure from the Lord and one worth fighting for. Sending out prayers for your precious family.

~ Angi :) said...

{wincing in pain}

{sitting silently with you, aching.}

Hey Rachie Kae said...

Though a stranger, I love you for this post. You have a heart of gold girl. Please let me know what I can be praying for, even if its 'unspoken'.

Blessings and love to you all!

blessedmomto7 said...

I too, have felt this pain TIMES 6 it is SO UNBEARABLE at times! I'm so glad God is in control of all this and not me!
Blessings from a mom who TOTALLY understands that abuse!